The Twisting and Turning of New Found Relationship

Well, I have to say the diet and exercise plan is slowly working. I can feel my clothes beginning to loosen. I think it has a lot to do with the emotional state in which I am currently. I am jobless, somewhat, I am in deep debt to my sister that is going to take forever to pay off at the rate I'm being paid and I'm vastly confused about a relationship.

You know...a relationship should be somewhat easy and make you feel giddy and happy at the start. When those feelings are there then nothing can bring you down. This is especially true when you have a good start in the relationship and all pathways are cleared for the future. And everyone wants to believe that the person they have begun to develop feelings for are going to work out with time. No one really goes into a relationship knowing it has a expiration date.

Yet, those relationships where the path isn't so clear are the ones that tie you up in knots. That is where I am right now. I'm so tied up in knots, confusion and doubt that it is troubling me and taking up a lot of my time. That is time I could be using for better things. I think the problem is that I don't trust easily and in this case I want to trust but I just can't. You see...I'm the "other woman" that is being made promises that have no deadline. I have been the "other woman" before but I knew the score. In this case I'm being told one thing but he is not acting on it. So I begin to doubt his sincerity. I question everything he says and he is often contradictory about what he says. One message will be uplifting and hopeful about how much he misses me and wants to be with me. How he can't wait for the day when he is single and he can 'snatch me up.'

But, as my friend Kat says, "If he is so unhappy with her, he should end it." And in reality that is the truth. When I am miserable about something or someone I take action. Yet I endured 2 years of a relationship that I knew had an expiration date just because it was the easiest path. So how can I judge him? The sheer fact of the matter is that I cannot. Maybe he doesn't want to be the bad guy and wants her to leave on her own. Or perhaps, and this is the doubt writing, he is playing me.

Now playing me is a very bad idea. I tend to turn into a bitch and get vindictive. Yes, happy go lucky me can turn into a demoness and make paybacks the ultimate reward. He doesn't know me well enough to know that I can strike where it hurts the most. In this case he is jealous of other guys I might or might not be conversing with. He is jealous of the cowboy I met. I would twist and turn that knife if I found out he was stringing me along. He lies or cheats and it is over. Period. I am giving him my fidelity and expect the same.

I hate this twisting and turning within myself. I hate the not knowing. I hate the moments when I want to call him up and just end it without giving him a chance. Part of me wants to blow him off and just find something far more simple. And part of me wants to see where these feelings and this potential relationship could go. It is a hard place to be at and one that is new to me. Each step I take I have to gently poke the path in order to stay on solid ground. And the ground is shifty at times and I'm afraid to fall. Are all new relationships like that?

Times are Tough

I have to admit that the past month and a half has been incredibly rough. Getting laid off but without the unemployment benefits due to being a freelance writer has really shaken me. I've narrowed my budget down as much as possible. Thank God for my sister Sasha who has helped me more than she will ever know. But I hate putting her in that situation. And it feels like she is always mad at me or disappointed. I hate that feeling. It just adds to the depression.

It is incredibly difficult to stay positive here lately. The jobs that I really want just don't seem to be happening. I had my hopes up for Big Brothers Big Sisters Mentor Specialist in Batesville but still no answer. At least my friend DeDe is trying to get me on down at the law office. The pay is not much but I can supplement it with some writing on the side. I just want to stop feeling so depressed and down in the dumps about this.

I know you are supposed to stay positive and believe in positive affirmation. And I'm really trying. Each day I write positive things that I want to come true for me. I want the abundance of the universe to provide me with what I need. I even ask for help from God to get me through this time. Maybe he is listening or maybe he isn't answering right now because he's busy.