And so it begins...

The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin PersonYesterday my divorce papers arrived in the mail. Many of my friends would offer congratulations but the fact is that it made me a bit sad. Three divorces are still pretty substantial. Granted this one came with very good reasons but it still saddened me to read the papers. It has really made me start thinking about my life again. I guess for a while I was on automatic. I just let work and life push me along. Well the time has come to make some positive changes in my life. I've already cut most of the people out that were dragging me down but my life needs more tweaking.

That being said I want to tackle something that I've battled for years and years. I want to lose weight. I'm allowing myself this final weekend but starting Monday I'm going to actively diet and exercise. I want to get out and door more things without getting a back ache or feeling tired. It's time to get that elliptical machine to going regularly and start eating healthier. I also need to eat more frequently. I have a tendency to get caught up in work and not eat until dinner. So I'm going to try smaller meals more frequently but still cutting back on some of the refined sugars and carbs.

So my friends starting Monday this blog will turn into a work in progress. I may post suggestions, if you want just click on the links and check the products out. It helps you and it helps me.

Shingles

Peaceful Mountain Shinglederm Rescue Plus, 1.4-Ounce PackageWell, today I took Kennedy to the doctor. Let me go back a bit in time to last night. Kennedy had shown me some bumps that had come up on her stomach. At first we thought they were just bug bites. Then Sasha dropped her off last night and we looked at the area again. It really resembled poison ivy except it didn't appear to be spreading as poison ivy will.

So today I took Kennedy to the doctor and it turns out she has Shingles. Yes, most cases of shingles occurs in older people but it can happen in younger people. Kennedy happens to be one of the lucky few. So today I'm having her rest, keep on benadryl and just relax. Her strep throat last week lowered her immune system and probably triggered it. Nasty stuff it is. But hopefully she'll build up an immunity and will never have to worry about it again. It is possible to have a reoccurrance but it usually only happens when the immune system is compromised again.

So that is my slice of life today. Nursing a sick kid and trying to get her to just lay down.

Patience may be a virtue but it takes quite a lot to make it through the day

I'm feeling quite sad and upset today. Why? It is because I think I am losing my daughter. My oldest daughter for the last year or so has become very moody and temperamental. Yes, I do realize it is hormones and just that age but I often feel that I cannot handle it. She is the one person on the planet that knows how to push every single one of my buttons. And she does it quite frequently. For her it is nothing to come home in a bad mood and take it out on me and her younger sister. Her sister is only a year younger but she isn't this way.

I just do not know what to do. I don't know what to say. If I tell her to do something then she gets angry and starts bitching. Here is an example: this evening I bought her Avatar because she has been eagerly looking forward to seeing it. I told her that before we could watch it all together that we would have to clean. She would do the kitchen and Maesin would do the laundry room and clean up puppy messes. I decided to help Kennedy, the oldest, out by washing most of the dishes. All she had was four pots and pans to wash. She started throwing a fit and bitching that if I was going to do it...I should do it all. I didn't even have to help her but I did. She kept going on and on about it. Four freaking pots and pans.

Everytime she would do one thing she would keep asking if she could start the movie. She didn't care that the rest of us may want to watch it or that Maesin and I were still busy. So then she started griping about dinner. She claims that she was asking me if I needed her to start dinner but what she was really saying was "You cook dinner and I want to watch the movie because I can't do both."

When the oil overflowed she had to pause the movie to come help. But was constantly asking about going back to the movie. I finally just snapped and told her to get away from me. It was the only thing that I could do.

How am I supposed to handle this. How am I supposed to cope with her tantrums and fits? If it is not one thing then it is another. Nothing is ever good enough for her anymore. I work from 7:30 until about 5:00 everyday and still do all the housework now because when she comes home from her after school job at my sister's business, she refuses to do anything. I just don't know what to do. I feel like breaking down and crying. Is this normal? She won't even tell me thank you or that she loves me anymore. It feels like I have lost my daughter. If my youngest daughter loves on me or tells me she loves me...Kennedy calls her a butt kisser and a baby.

I know there has to be a better way to do this. I can't keep handling this. I can try grounding her but that does not change her attitude. How can I make her see that she is hurting me? How can I teach her that all of us have responsibilities and it is not just her. It's as if the entire world revolves around her and if you do not cater to her every whim then you are causing her untold grief. I don't care if she doesn't like me much at times but she should still respect me and love me. And that is something I am just afraid that she does not.

The art of enjoying a simple country birthday party.

Some people would automatically turn up their noses at small town life. They think that there is nothing exciting that ever happens. I have to say for the most part it is true. Small towns mean everyone knows everyone else's business. Take tonight for example. I found out who was married to whom and who was cheating on their husbands and wives.

Yes, you do have inner circles where this kind of thing happens but in a small town it is on a much grander scale. This is newsworthy stuff here folks. You go to a party and if you have a trusty guide...you can find out all you want to know about everyone rather quickly. It is fun but I can imagine that if you are on the receiving end it could be quite traumatic. Let's not see if I can be on the receiving end...okay?

I actually managed to go out this weekend on both nights. One night was fun and tonight was interesting. I did make new friends that made me laugh. But it reminded me once again that I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. No one really knew how to react to the fact that I'm a writer. I don't know how to make small talk so that ruled me out. And of course the biggest things involved who my parents are and what they did when they ran around town. That was a bit eye opening. My mom and dad the party animals. lol

One major downside to small towns is memory. People in a small town will remember exactly what you did on May 10th, 1999. You may have been drunk and forgotten it but they remember exactly. That happened to me tonight. Someone brought up the past and I tried to act like I remembered but the truth is that I didn't. I didn't have the foggiest clue as to what they were talking about.

The problem isn't with me blocking it out. Though who knows...maybe I did? The fact is that my depression, bipolar disorder/borderline personality disorder makes remembering things from my past very hard. I have no idea what I did a year ago much less five or ten years ago. I'm a different person now. I wish I could say I am smarter but it is more like I'm more jaded. Back then I was young and dumb. I thought I knew what the world was about. It really is true that age changes everything. I know that I have changed tremendously since then. I guess we all do with time and experiences though.

Should I start worrying if see animals going by two by two?

I have to say that though I love the rain...today is pushing it. Granted my yard now has a mini lake but that is not the point. It slows down for a minute, I think I have enough time to run outside, and BAM! It is back to a down pour. Oh well, at least it gives me time to stop and just take some time for myself.

My sister took the girls shopping. Bless her because I don't have the patience to take them shopping. I hate shopping period. It may be because its hard to find clothes that a) I like b) looks good on me and c) I can afford. I don't think I ever really was a shopper per se. I just don't have the patience.

Well, I did get to go out with my sister and her husband last night. Tally Ho was our destination. It was a veritable wasteland. But I still had a great time because it was just us three. We laughed and played pool. It was fun. I definitely needed it. I did realize that I really cannot hold my liquor anymore. lol I didn't get really inebriated but just enought to be feeling the effects today.

I have to comment on one thing. Men. I just simply do not understand them. I don't think that they even understand themselves. It always seems like a bit of drama where they are concerned yet they are the first ones to claim they do not want it in a female. Granted there are some females that seem to thrive on drama but for the most part they do not. I think this is the part where I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders a bit.

One final note: I'm making great progress on my book. It definitely will be interesting and not what you would typically find on bookshelves right now. I think it will be a great success once it is finished. I've been trying to work on it every day but sometimes work just drains the brain.

TTFN

Shonte'

The start of something fantastic

So here I am creating my own blog site. I'm not relying on Facebook or Myspace. I figured this would be better because then people could actually go to it and know that they are reading a blog. Facebook is not for bloggers or writers really. Myspace used to be the best place but more people are turning away from it. I do not know why? It is easy to change templates and see what your friends have posted. But oh well...

Life has really changed for me over the past six or seven months. After each monumental event I would find myself saying, "Things cannot get any worse." That really was tempting the Fates far too much because those bitches would prove that it really was not the worst. I've learned my lesson. Things can always be much worse.

So here I am starting life over again. So far nothing really has happened to make it grand. I've not really dated since divorcing and moving. I just do not have the drive in my any longer. I talk to men and just do not feel that it is worth the effort. I think about all the other things I could do instead.

Take for example today. I thought I had a great date lined up for tomorrow night, even had a place for the girls to go and voila'....he logged off before getting directions. That tells me that he wasn't going to come anyway. It is a bit disappointing because I was really looking forward to doing something that involved another adult. Don't get me wrong...hanging out with my daughters is great and I love them. But occasionally everyone needs adult time. I wanted to relax with some beverages and just get to know him. Oh well, guess as my friend Piper said, "It's better to find out he is a flake now than to have wasted my time."

I would try dating men around here but it is just impossible. Most of the guys are either married or they fall into the man-whore category. I don't want the town bicycle. I don't want a guy that will hook up with anyone. I want someone I can converse with and actually be intellectually stimulated. Too bad most the the guys that want to go out on a real date happen to live at least an hour or two away from me.

So I find myself facing another weekend. I'll probably work and do housecleaning. Maybe the girls and I will go do something just to take my mind off things. Oh how I wish he would have came through. But that is his problem and not mine. I cannot control another person's thoughts, actions or feelings.

Till next time my kats and kittens.

Shonte'