The Twisting and Turning of New Found Relationship

Well, I have to say the diet and exercise plan is slowly working. I can feel my clothes beginning to loosen. I think it has a lot to do with the emotional state in which I am currently. I am jobless, somewhat, I am in deep debt to my sister that is going to take forever to pay off at the rate I'm being paid and I'm vastly confused about a relationship.

You know...a relationship should be somewhat easy and make you feel giddy and happy at the start. When those feelings are there then nothing can bring you down. This is especially true when you have a good start in the relationship and all pathways are cleared for the future. And everyone wants to believe that the person they have begun to develop feelings for are going to work out with time. No one really goes into a relationship knowing it has a expiration date.

Yet, those relationships where the path isn't so clear are the ones that tie you up in knots. That is where I am right now. I'm so tied up in knots, confusion and doubt that it is troubling me and taking up a lot of my time. That is time I could be using for better things. I think the problem is that I don't trust easily and in this case I want to trust but I just can't. You see...I'm the "other woman" that is being made promises that have no deadline. I have been the "other woman" before but I knew the score. In this case I'm being told one thing but he is not acting on it. So I begin to doubt his sincerity. I question everything he says and he is often contradictory about what he says. One message will be uplifting and hopeful about how much he misses me and wants to be with me. How he can't wait for the day when he is single and he can 'snatch me up.'

But, as my friend Kat says, "If he is so unhappy with her, he should end it." And in reality that is the truth. When I am miserable about something or someone I take action. Yet I endured 2 years of a relationship that I knew had an expiration date just because it was the easiest path. So how can I judge him? The sheer fact of the matter is that I cannot. Maybe he doesn't want to be the bad guy and wants her to leave on her own. Or perhaps, and this is the doubt writing, he is playing me.

Now playing me is a very bad idea. I tend to turn into a bitch and get vindictive. Yes, happy go lucky me can turn into a demoness and make paybacks the ultimate reward. He doesn't know me well enough to know that I can strike where it hurts the most. In this case he is jealous of other guys I might or might not be conversing with. He is jealous of the cowboy I met. I would twist and turn that knife if I found out he was stringing me along. He lies or cheats and it is over. Period. I am giving him my fidelity and expect the same.

I hate this twisting and turning within myself. I hate the not knowing. I hate the moments when I want to call him up and just end it without giving him a chance. Part of me wants to blow him off and just find something far more simple. And part of me wants to see where these feelings and this potential relationship could go. It is a hard place to be at and one that is new to me. Each step I take I have to gently poke the path in order to stay on solid ground. And the ground is shifty at times and I'm afraid to fall. Are all new relationships like that?

Times are Tough

I have to admit that the past month and a half has been incredibly rough. Getting laid off but without the unemployment benefits due to being a freelance writer has really shaken me. I've narrowed my budget down as much as possible. Thank God for my sister Sasha who has helped me more than she will ever know. But I hate putting her in that situation. And it feels like she is always mad at me or disappointed. I hate that feeling. It just adds to the depression.

It is incredibly difficult to stay positive here lately. The jobs that I really want just don't seem to be happening. I had my hopes up for Big Brothers Big Sisters Mentor Specialist in Batesville but still no answer. At least my friend DeDe is trying to get me on down at the law office. The pay is not much but I can supplement it with some writing on the side. I just want to stop feeling so depressed and down in the dumps about this.

I know you are supposed to stay positive and believe in positive affirmation. And I'm really trying. Each day I write positive things that I want to come true for me. I want the abundance of the universe to provide me with what I need. I even ask for help from God to get me through this time. Maybe he is listening or maybe he isn't answering right now because he's busy.

New Post: New Day: No new changes

There has to be something wrong with my whole metabolic system. Three months ago I had my cholesterol checked along with my triglycerides. Both were high. I had them rechecked earlier this week and found out they are even higher, by 20 points a piece, than before. Now during the past three months I have cut down on smoking, no snacking and no eating after a certain time of night. I've tried one meal a day and I've tried several small meals. NOTHING seems to work.

I did read that sometimes stress can elevate these levels. Granted my blood pressure was 112/120 which is really bad. But I'm on cholesterol medication and I'm on blood pressure medication. Now the doctor wants to add in two more prescriptions. I don't eat fried food often and prefer as little carbs as possible. I also do not eat much red meat. The wonders of the human body (written while shaking my head in despair). What am I going to do about this weight that just will not come off?

I would love to lose the stress but unfortunately my beloved job as a freelance writer for the past six years at one company has come to an end. The owner decided two weeks ago to completely shut down our division. Unfortunately as a freelance writer that means you do not get unemployment benefits. It has been a very sobering experience lately. It is hard to try to find writing jobs. You have to first sort through the writing scams. These are the ones that want you to pay for a membership in order to bid on jobs. Then there are the writing jobs that request you do an article for them for free. Most of the time they have hundreds of applicants and get their articles written this way for free. Then you have the ones that have no idea what they want from a writer and so wind up wasting your valuable time.

I also have the very unfortunate position of living in a small town. There are no major cities nearby and so there is no need of writers in this area. I've resorted to applying in cities out of state in the hopes of a position. Maybe if my luck is very good the position will have relocation assistance.

5lbs Down Many More To Go

Well the good news is that last Friday I went to the doctor and I'm now 5lbs down. Too bad there is so much left to lose. I also got a prescription for Chantix. My goal is to stop smoking by the 21st of May. That is my firm quit date. But already I can tell that cigarettes are not the same as they used to be. I'm not sure the exact science behind Chantix but I hear from others that it does work. The one thing I keep reading about is mood swings and lots of weight gain. Let's cross our fingers that neither happens. Things are already stressed enough around here without it.

My daughter leaves for Duke for her summer program in 31 days. How do I know this? She has it written in purple magic marker on my calendar. I don't know why I keep the thing because the girls wind up writing on it more than I do. But I have to keep it for work.

I am noticing one side effect to a new medication I am on. I sleep okay now but it is VERY hard for me to wake up and shake the fog in the morning. My body does not feel tired but my head and eyes do. This is a major pain in the butt for me because typically I'm a morning person. So tonight I'm going to try taking the Geodon with my dinner and then seeing how it affects me in the morning. Okay enough goofing off...these articles do not write themselves. If they did I'd have it made. :)

So far so good.

So this whole diet thing, or rather a lifestyle change, has been okay so far. I'm staying away from sodas. I drink tea with the pink packs. My coffee is the same way. I cannot give up caffeine so that is completely out of the question. I'm trying to work in some exercise every single day even if it's only 15 minutes on my Gazelle Freestyle. Which by the way is very comfortable to use and you really do feel it after a while.

This lifestyle change is more than just about the weight though. It's about how I perceive myself. I don't have a lot of self confidence. In fact my self confidence is pretty much at an all time low right now. I'm working to bring that up. Because how can anyone else find me attractive if I do not find myself attractive. The next stage of my transformation will be to stop working in PJ's all the time. Okay...okay...I don't work in PJ's but I do work in natty old t-shirts and shorts. Those are fine every now and again but I need to start dressing to make myself feel better.

Speaking of feeling better, I do have to say there is nothing quite like an ex to put you into perspective. It does go to show that even though you have moved on in your life and changed, emotionally and mentally, they may not have changed much. Breaking up with someone is hard. If someone tells you they had a good breakup it meant that they didn't really mean that much to each other in the first place. It is the honest truth. And sometimes you just can't reconcile until both of you reach the same place. Women tend to reach those places first because, well, we're superior but that is a different blog. Men tend to stay in their own ruts. They develop the frat boy mentality at first and before long they are set. They do not want to break out of those set pattens and often find themselves still clinging to the past bitterness. I have to be honest and say that there are some women that do that. Clearly not moi. For I am not that way, no way do I stay in a rut. HA!

So maybe time moves on, people change and you find yourself in a brand new place in life. It doesn't have to be a bad place though. It can be a good place. It is a place where you work on who you want to be. It is a place where you try to find the good inside and let it shine. I'm not sure if this whole Positive Thinking/Universal Abundance thing is actually true or not but it certainly never hurts to think positive thoughts. Just remember...you cannot succeed unless you try!

My recommendation for you today is the book "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now" by Dr. Gordon Livingston.

A brand new day

Well, today is day two of the diet and exercise plan. I think I failed in the diet plan yesterday because I only ate once. I did try a new diet spray that is supposed to curb your appetite and give you energy. I don't know what is in it but it did boost my energy and it definitely curbed my appetite. It was also very sweet. I'll try it again in a bit. The directions are to spray it beneath your tongue fifteen minutes prior to eating. So I'll give it a shot. Most diet pills and such give me a massive headache but this one didn't.

Yesterday was a day for trying to move forward into the future. The night before I really was feeling the pain of a lost love. So I wrote down what I wanted to say to him. I don't know if I ever really meant to mail it but at the last moment yesterday I sent it to him in an email. I laid myself bare for him. I've never been that deep and honest with any guy or any one...ever. I've changed a lot since our relationship ended. I'm not the person that I was then and I want him to see that. I hope he is a different person as well. I wasn't asking him to continue on with the past relationship and just pick up where we left off. No, I was asking to start fresh because obviously the old way just was not going to work. It required us both changing and being able to admit that we were flawed.

It is hard to make those type of fundamental changes but I hope that he sees that I have. I hope he has as well because I want the possibility of a future with him. I want to see where our grand adventure together can take us. We are okay apart but I know that we are incredible together. He is the only ex from my past that I've ever felt that way about. Not a day has gone by when I didn't rue what had happened.

I've read that if you truly believe in the positive aspects of something you desire, that the Universe will grant them to you. I believe that sometimes you have to walk through Hell to get to the place you need to be. I know that the last seven months have been hell for me. I want to know that there is something positive from it all. Yes, I'm a stronger more caring person but I also want some relief. He is like an oasis to me. He makes me laugh and calms me. I have always enjoyed talking with him. So maybe, just maybe if I believe hard enough, pray hard enough and think positively...this will be the thing that comes through for me.

And so it begins...

The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin PersonYesterday my divorce papers arrived in the mail. Many of my friends would offer congratulations but the fact is that it made me a bit sad. Three divorces are still pretty substantial. Granted this one came with very good reasons but it still saddened me to read the papers. It has really made me start thinking about my life again. I guess for a while I was on automatic. I just let work and life push me along. Well the time has come to make some positive changes in my life. I've already cut most of the people out that were dragging me down but my life needs more tweaking.

That being said I want to tackle something that I've battled for years and years. I want to lose weight. I'm allowing myself this final weekend but starting Monday I'm going to actively diet and exercise. I want to get out and door more things without getting a back ache or feeling tired. It's time to get that elliptical machine to going regularly and start eating healthier. I also need to eat more frequently. I have a tendency to get caught up in work and not eat until dinner. So I'm going to try smaller meals more frequently but still cutting back on some of the refined sugars and carbs.

So my friends starting Monday this blog will turn into a work in progress. I may post suggestions, if you want just click on the links and check the products out. It helps you and it helps me.