The Twisting and Turning of New Found Relationship

Well, I have to say the diet and exercise plan is slowly working. I can feel my clothes beginning to loosen. I think it has a lot to do with the emotional state in which I am currently. I am jobless, somewhat, I am in deep debt to my sister that is going to take forever to pay off at the rate I'm being paid and I'm vastly confused about a relationship.

You know...a relationship should be somewhat easy and make you feel giddy and happy at the start. When those feelings are there then nothing can bring you down. This is especially true when you have a good start in the relationship and all pathways are cleared for the future. And everyone wants to believe that the person they have begun to develop feelings for are going to work out with time. No one really goes into a relationship knowing it has a expiration date.

Yet, those relationships where the path isn't so clear are the ones that tie you up in knots. That is where I am right now. I'm so tied up in knots, confusion and doubt that it is troubling me and taking up a lot of my time. That is time I could be using for better things. I think the problem is that I don't trust easily and in this case I want to trust but I just can't. You see...I'm the "other woman" that is being made promises that have no deadline. I have been the "other woman" before but I knew the score. In this case I'm being told one thing but he is not acting on it. So I begin to doubt his sincerity. I question everything he says and he is often contradictory about what he says. One message will be uplifting and hopeful about how much he misses me and wants to be with me. How he can't wait for the day when he is single and he can 'snatch me up.'

But, as my friend Kat says, "If he is so unhappy with her, he should end it." And in reality that is the truth. When I am miserable about something or someone I take action. Yet I endured 2 years of a relationship that I knew had an expiration date just because it was the easiest path. So how can I judge him? The sheer fact of the matter is that I cannot. Maybe he doesn't want to be the bad guy and wants her to leave on her own. Or perhaps, and this is the doubt writing, he is playing me.

Now playing me is a very bad idea. I tend to turn into a bitch and get vindictive. Yes, happy go lucky me can turn into a demoness and make paybacks the ultimate reward. He doesn't know me well enough to know that I can strike where it hurts the most. In this case he is jealous of other guys I might or might not be conversing with. He is jealous of the cowboy I met. I would twist and turn that knife if I found out he was stringing me along. He lies or cheats and it is over. Period. I am giving him my fidelity and expect the same.

I hate this twisting and turning within myself. I hate the not knowing. I hate the moments when I want to call him up and just end it without giving him a chance. Part of me wants to blow him off and just find something far more simple. And part of me wants to see where these feelings and this potential relationship could go. It is a hard place to be at and one that is new to me. Each step I take I have to gently poke the path in order to stay on solid ground. And the ground is shifty at times and I'm afraid to fall. Are all new relationships like that?

Times are Tough

I have to admit that the past month and a half has been incredibly rough. Getting laid off but without the unemployment benefits due to being a freelance writer has really shaken me. I've narrowed my budget down as much as possible. Thank God for my sister Sasha who has helped me more than she will ever know. But I hate putting her in that situation. And it feels like she is always mad at me or disappointed. I hate that feeling. It just adds to the depression.

It is incredibly difficult to stay positive here lately. The jobs that I really want just don't seem to be happening. I had my hopes up for Big Brothers Big Sisters Mentor Specialist in Batesville but still no answer. At least my friend DeDe is trying to get me on down at the law office. The pay is not much but I can supplement it with some writing on the side. I just want to stop feeling so depressed and down in the dumps about this.

I know you are supposed to stay positive and believe in positive affirmation. And I'm really trying. Each day I write positive things that I want to come true for me. I want the abundance of the universe to provide me with what I need. I even ask for help from God to get me through this time. Maybe he is listening or maybe he isn't answering right now because he's busy.

New Post: New Day: No new changes

There has to be something wrong with my whole metabolic system. Three months ago I had my cholesterol checked along with my triglycerides. Both were high. I had them rechecked earlier this week and found out they are even higher, by 20 points a piece, than before. Now during the past three months I have cut down on smoking, no snacking and no eating after a certain time of night. I've tried one meal a day and I've tried several small meals. NOTHING seems to work.

I did read that sometimes stress can elevate these levels. Granted my blood pressure was 112/120 which is really bad. But I'm on cholesterol medication and I'm on blood pressure medication. Now the doctor wants to add in two more prescriptions. I don't eat fried food often and prefer as little carbs as possible. I also do not eat much red meat. The wonders of the human body (written while shaking my head in despair). What am I going to do about this weight that just will not come off?

I would love to lose the stress but unfortunately my beloved job as a freelance writer for the past six years at one company has come to an end. The owner decided two weeks ago to completely shut down our division. Unfortunately as a freelance writer that means you do not get unemployment benefits. It has been a very sobering experience lately. It is hard to try to find writing jobs. You have to first sort through the writing scams. These are the ones that want you to pay for a membership in order to bid on jobs. Then there are the writing jobs that request you do an article for them for free. Most of the time they have hundreds of applicants and get their articles written this way for free. Then you have the ones that have no idea what they want from a writer and so wind up wasting your valuable time.

I also have the very unfortunate position of living in a small town. There are no major cities nearby and so there is no need of writers in this area. I've resorted to applying in cities out of state in the hopes of a position. Maybe if my luck is very good the position will have relocation assistance.

5lbs Down Many More To Go

Well the good news is that last Friday I went to the doctor and I'm now 5lbs down. Too bad there is so much left to lose. I also got a prescription for Chantix. My goal is to stop smoking by the 21st of May. That is my firm quit date. But already I can tell that cigarettes are not the same as they used to be. I'm not sure the exact science behind Chantix but I hear from others that it does work. The one thing I keep reading about is mood swings and lots of weight gain. Let's cross our fingers that neither happens. Things are already stressed enough around here without it.

My daughter leaves for Duke for her summer program in 31 days. How do I know this? She has it written in purple magic marker on my calendar. I don't know why I keep the thing because the girls wind up writing on it more than I do. But I have to keep it for work.

I am noticing one side effect to a new medication I am on. I sleep okay now but it is VERY hard for me to wake up and shake the fog in the morning. My body does not feel tired but my head and eyes do. This is a major pain in the butt for me because typically I'm a morning person. So tonight I'm going to try taking the Geodon with my dinner and then seeing how it affects me in the morning. Okay enough goofing off...these articles do not write themselves. If they did I'd have it made. :)

So far so good.

So this whole diet thing, or rather a lifestyle change, has been okay so far. I'm staying away from sodas. I drink tea with the pink packs. My coffee is the same way. I cannot give up caffeine so that is completely out of the question. I'm trying to work in some exercise every single day even if it's only 15 minutes on my Gazelle Freestyle. Which by the way is very comfortable to use and you really do feel it after a while.

This lifestyle change is more than just about the weight though. It's about how I perceive myself. I don't have a lot of self confidence. In fact my self confidence is pretty much at an all time low right now. I'm working to bring that up. Because how can anyone else find me attractive if I do not find myself attractive. The next stage of my transformation will be to stop working in PJ's all the time. Okay...okay...I don't work in PJ's but I do work in natty old t-shirts and shorts. Those are fine every now and again but I need to start dressing to make myself feel better.

Speaking of feeling better, I do have to say there is nothing quite like an ex to put you into perspective. It does go to show that even though you have moved on in your life and changed, emotionally and mentally, they may not have changed much. Breaking up with someone is hard. If someone tells you they had a good breakup it meant that they didn't really mean that much to each other in the first place. It is the honest truth. And sometimes you just can't reconcile until both of you reach the same place. Women tend to reach those places first because, well, we're superior but that is a different blog. Men tend to stay in their own ruts. They develop the frat boy mentality at first and before long they are set. They do not want to break out of those set pattens and often find themselves still clinging to the past bitterness. I have to be honest and say that there are some women that do that. Clearly not moi. For I am not that way, no way do I stay in a rut. HA!

So maybe time moves on, people change and you find yourself in a brand new place in life. It doesn't have to be a bad place though. It can be a good place. It is a place where you work on who you want to be. It is a place where you try to find the good inside and let it shine. I'm not sure if this whole Positive Thinking/Universal Abundance thing is actually true or not but it certainly never hurts to think positive thoughts. Just remember...you cannot succeed unless you try!

My recommendation for you today is the book "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now" by Dr. Gordon Livingston.

A brand new day

Well, today is day two of the diet and exercise plan. I think I failed in the diet plan yesterday because I only ate once. I did try a new diet spray that is supposed to curb your appetite and give you energy. I don't know what is in it but it did boost my energy and it definitely curbed my appetite. It was also very sweet. I'll try it again in a bit. The directions are to spray it beneath your tongue fifteen minutes prior to eating. So I'll give it a shot. Most diet pills and such give me a massive headache but this one didn't.

Yesterday was a day for trying to move forward into the future. The night before I really was feeling the pain of a lost love. So I wrote down what I wanted to say to him. I don't know if I ever really meant to mail it but at the last moment yesterday I sent it to him in an email. I laid myself bare for him. I've never been that deep and honest with any guy or any one...ever. I've changed a lot since our relationship ended. I'm not the person that I was then and I want him to see that. I hope he is a different person as well. I wasn't asking him to continue on with the past relationship and just pick up where we left off. No, I was asking to start fresh because obviously the old way just was not going to work. It required us both changing and being able to admit that we were flawed.

It is hard to make those type of fundamental changes but I hope that he sees that I have. I hope he has as well because I want the possibility of a future with him. I want to see where our grand adventure together can take us. We are okay apart but I know that we are incredible together. He is the only ex from my past that I've ever felt that way about. Not a day has gone by when I didn't rue what had happened.

I've read that if you truly believe in the positive aspects of something you desire, that the Universe will grant them to you. I believe that sometimes you have to walk through Hell to get to the place you need to be. I know that the last seven months have been hell for me. I want to know that there is something positive from it all. Yes, I'm a stronger more caring person but I also want some relief. He is like an oasis to me. He makes me laugh and calms me. I have always enjoyed talking with him. So maybe, just maybe if I believe hard enough, pray hard enough and think positively...this will be the thing that comes through for me.

And so it begins...

The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin PersonYesterday my divorce papers arrived in the mail. Many of my friends would offer congratulations but the fact is that it made me a bit sad. Three divorces are still pretty substantial. Granted this one came with very good reasons but it still saddened me to read the papers. It has really made me start thinking about my life again. I guess for a while I was on automatic. I just let work and life push me along. Well the time has come to make some positive changes in my life. I've already cut most of the people out that were dragging me down but my life needs more tweaking.

That being said I want to tackle something that I've battled for years and years. I want to lose weight. I'm allowing myself this final weekend but starting Monday I'm going to actively diet and exercise. I want to get out and door more things without getting a back ache or feeling tired. It's time to get that elliptical machine to going regularly and start eating healthier. I also need to eat more frequently. I have a tendency to get caught up in work and not eat until dinner. So I'm going to try smaller meals more frequently but still cutting back on some of the refined sugars and carbs.

So my friends starting Monday this blog will turn into a work in progress. I may post suggestions, if you want just click on the links and check the products out. It helps you and it helps me.

Shingles

Peaceful Mountain Shinglederm Rescue Plus, 1.4-Ounce PackageWell, today I took Kennedy to the doctor. Let me go back a bit in time to last night. Kennedy had shown me some bumps that had come up on her stomach. At first we thought they were just bug bites. Then Sasha dropped her off last night and we looked at the area again. It really resembled poison ivy except it didn't appear to be spreading as poison ivy will.

So today I took Kennedy to the doctor and it turns out she has Shingles. Yes, most cases of shingles occurs in older people but it can happen in younger people. Kennedy happens to be one of the lucky few. So today I'm having her rest, keep on benadryl and just relax. Her strep throat last week lowered her immune system and probably triggered it. Nasty stuff it is. But hopefully she'll build up an immunity and will never have to worry about it again. It is possible to have a reoccurrance but it usually only happens when the immune system is compromised again.

So that is my slice of life today. Nursing a sick kid and trying to get her to just lay down.

Patience may be a virtue but it takes quite a lot to make it through the day

I'm feeling quite sad and upset today. Why? It is because I think I am losing my daughter. My oldest daughter for the last year or so has become very moody and temperamental. Yes, I do realize it is hormones and just that age but I often feel that I cannot handle it. She is the one person on the planet that knows how to push every single one of my buttons. And she does it quite frequently. For her it is nothing to come home in a bad mood and take it out on me and her younger sister. Her sister is only a year younger but she isn't this way.

I just do not know what to do. I don't know what to say. If I tell her to do something then she gets angry and starts bitching. Here is an example: this evening I bought her Avatar because she has been eagerly looking forward to seeing it. I told her that before we could watch it all together that we would have to clean. She would do the kitchen and Maesin would do the laundry room and clean up puppy messes. I decided to help Kennedy, the oldest, out by washing most of the dishes. All she had was four pots and pans to wash. She started throwing a fit and bitching that if I was going to do it...I should do it all. I didn't even have to help her but I did. She kept going on and on about it. Four freaking pots and pans.

Everytime she would do one thing she would keep asking if she could start the movie. She didn't care that the rest of us may want to watch it or that Maesin and I were still busy. So then she started griping about dinner. She claims that she was asking me if I needed her to start dinner but what she was really saying was "You cook dinner and I want to watch the movie because I can't do both."

When the oil overflowed she had to pause the movie to come help. But was constantly asking about going back to the movie. I finally just snapped and told her to get away from me. It was the only thing that I could do.

How am I supposed to handle this. How am I supposed to cope with her tantrums and fits? If it is not one thing then it is another. Nothing is ever good enough for her anymore. I work from 7:30 until about 5:00 everyday and still do all the housework now because when she comes home from her after school job at my sister's business, she refuses to do anything. I just don't know what to do. I feel like breaking down and crying. Is this normal? She won't even tell me thank you or that she loves me anymore. It feels like I have lost my daughter. If my youngest daughter loves on me or tells me she loves me...Kennedy calls her a butt kisser and a baby.

I know there has to be a better way to do this. I can't keep handling this. I can try grounding her but that does not change her attitude. How can I make her see that she is hurting me? How can I teach her that all of us have responsibilities and it is not just her. It's as if the entire world revolves around her and if you do not cater to her every whim then you are causing her untold grief. I don't care if she doesn't like me much at times but she should still respect me and love me. And that is something I am just afraid that she does not.

The art of enjoying a simple country birthday party.

Some people would automatically turn up their noses at small town life. They think that there is nothing exciting that ever happens. I have to say for the most part it is true. Small towns mean everyone knows everyone else's business. Take tonight for example. I found out who was married to whom and who was cheating on their husbands and wives.

Yes, you do have inner circles where this kind of thing happens but in a small town it is on a much grander scale. This is newsworthy stuff here folks. You go to a party and if you have a trusty guide...you can find out all you want to know about everyone rather quickly. It is fun but I can imagine that if you are on the receiving end it could be quite traumatic. Let's not see if I can be on the receiving end...okay?

I actually managed to go out this weekend on both nights. One night was fun and tonight was interesting. I did make new friends that made me laugh. But it reminded me once again that I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. No one really knew how to react to the fact that I'm a writer. I don't know how to make small talk so that ruled me out. And of course the biggest things involved who my parents are and what they did when they ran around town. That was a bit eye opening. My mom and dad the party animals. lol

One major downside to small towns is memory. People in a small town will remember exactly what you did on May 10th, 1999. You may have been drunk and forgotten it but they remember exactly. That happened to me tonight. Someone brought up the past and I tried to act like I remembered but the truth is that I didn't. I didn't have the foggiest clue as to what they were talking about.

The problem isn't with me blocking it out. Though who knows...maybe I did? The fact is that my depression, bipolar disorder/borderline personality disorder makes remembering things from my past very hard. I have no idea what I did a year ago much less five or ten years ago. I'm a different person now. I wish I could say I am smarter but it is more like I'm more jaded. Back then I was young and dumb. I thought I knew what the world was about. It really is true that age changes everything. I know that I have changed tremendously since then. I guess we all do with time and experiences though.

Should I start worrying if see animals going by two by two?

I have to say that though I love the rain...today is pushing it. Granted my yard now has a mini lake but that is not the point. It slows down for a minute, I think I have enough time to run outside, and BAM! It is back to a down pour. Oh well, at least it gives me time to stop and just take some time for myself.

My sister took the girls shopping. Bless her because I don't have the patience to take them shopping. I hate shopping period. It may be because its hard to find clothes that a) I like b) looks good on me and c) I can afford. I don't think I ever really was a shopper per se. I just don't have the patience.

Well, I did get to go out with my sister and her husband last night. Tally Ho was our destination. It was a veritable wasteland. But I still had a great time because it was just us three. We laughed and played pool. It was fun. I definitely needed it. I did realize that I really cannot hold my liquor anymore. lol I didn't get really inebriated but just enought to be feeling the effects today.

I have to comment on one thing. Men. I just simply do not understand them. I don't think that they even understand themselves. It always seems like a bit of drama where they are concerned yet they are the first ones to claim they do not want it in a female. Granted there are some females that seem to thrive on drama but for the most part they do not. I think this is the part where I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders a bit.

One final note: I'm making great progress on my book. It definitely will be interesting and not what you would typically find on bookshelves right now. I think it will be a great success once it is finished. I've been trying to work on it every day but sometimes work just drains the brain.

TTFN

Shonte'

The start of something fantastic

So here I am creating my own blog site. I'm not relying on Facebook or Myspace. I figured this would be better because then people could actually go to it and know that they are reading a blog. Facebook is not for bloggers or writers really. Myspace used to be the best place but more people are turning away from it. I do not know why? It is easy to change templates and see what your friends have posted. But oh well...

Life has really changed for me over the past six or seven months. After each monumental event I would find myself saying, "Things cannot get any worse." That really was tempting the Fates far too much because those bitches would prove that it really was not the worst. I've learned my lesson. Things can always be much worse.

So here I am starting life over again. So far nothing really has happened to make it grand. I've not really dated since divorcing and moving. I just do not have the drive in my any longer. I talk to men and just do not feel that it is worth the effort. I think about all the other things I could do instead.

Take for example today. I thought I had a great date lined up for tomorrow night, even had a place for the girls to go and voila'....he logged off before getting directions. That tells me that he wasn't going to come anyway. It is a bit disappointing because I was really looking forward to doing something that involved another adult. Don't get me wrong...hanging out with my daughters is great and I love them. But occasionally everyone needs adult time. I wanted to relax with some beverages and just get to know him. Oh well, guess as my friend Piper said, "It's better to find out he is a flake now than to have wasted my time."

I would try dating men around here but it is just impossible. Most of the guys are either married or they fall into the man-whore category. I don't want the town bicycle. I don't want a guy that will hook up with anyone. I want someone I can converse with and actually be intellectually stimulated. Too bad most the the guys that want to go out on a real date happen to live at least an hour or two away from me.

So I find myself facing another weekend. I'll probably work and do housecleaning. Maybe the girls and I will go do something just to take my mind off things. Oh how I wish he would have came through. But that is his problem and not mine. I cannot control another person's thoughts, actions or feelings.

Till next time my kats and kittens.

Shonte'